What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 11:46
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
Why cant a narcissist admit when they are wrong?
Im still living with it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why does my mother care about my sister more than me?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do I sweat so much after shower?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
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I was 9 years of age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Put me off passion for life!!
She found it foreign!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I will be 64.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.